Wrote in my hard journal yesterday a thank you to 2013. I took chances last year that paid off and set me on a new course for my life...not that any other year didn't do that. Last year was different for me in stellar ways in that it created this positive momentum into a new outlook on me, and I plan on this year to be as groundbreaking for me as possible.
Resolutions? What are my thoughts on those? Well, we have 2004, 2006, 2007, 2011, and 2012. I just don't do them that often. I hadn't committed to many things. I make general statements and goals without fully realizing them. I know why. If you've read my previous blog and know me, you know I'm pretty well-versed on the psychology of Nae. Last year, however, I flipped some switch inside me. It came with the help of people and a kick in the ass from me.
Some backstory because, well, who doesn't like backstory?!
In 2012, I was still living with my mom until September. During the summer, our neighbors had a horrific argument that ended with the husband in jail and the wife quickly selling everything to move out of state. I got a $2000 treadmill for fifty bucks. This was also the summer I decided to start therapy here in Pensacola again at that fucking Lakeview. I ended up admitted because of suicidal ideation.
Now, I barely used the treadmill. Moved it to the current house when Em and I moved out. I started seeing a physician because my health was getting worse. My fortieth birthday happened and I decided that I needed to change things. I was unhappy as noted every where in my life by me. I was suicidally unhappy, as par for the Naomi course. But I still didn't really do anything. I was seeing my physician and started seeing a therapist in December.
January 1, 2013 - I decided to get on that damn treadmill. I said to myself that I had to get on it at least fifty times to earn that $50 price tag. I was doing wonderfully. Every day for nearly two weeks before I thought I should at least give myself a day of rest. I did. By the end of January, I was in pain and my damn emotions set in to dissuade me.
I quit.
But....I didn't quit this thought process in my head. I saw my doctor regularly who sent me to other doctors. I saw the therapist regularly...and the addition of one person in my life changed a lot for me. Tracy, a case manager.
This is quite embarrassing to admit because I know I'm a brilliant person, but I needed someone to help me accomplish things as simple as brushing my teeth. I've been left alone to my own devices for the majority of my life. People simply figured that I needed no support because I'm smart and independent and can figure it out on my own, and all that is true. But because of this, I lost what every person needs...interdependence, trust, reliance on support, and hope.
Tracy became my cheerleader. She helped me set the littlest goals that I saw were unattainable; and when I say littlest, I mean it. Once a week, she visited me and asked me if I showered, if that was my goal. She followed up on things that were important to my very basic need to live. I can say now that it's like being an infant or toddler.
When children come into this world, they know only one thing to ensure their survival: to cry. We, as adults, move quickly to figure out why and then we meet their needs. As a child grows and develops, that simple communication becomes more complex and we respond in kind. We applaud and commend children for the simplest of things. Yay! You clapped your hands. Great job! You laughed. Hooray! You took your steps even after you fell down. And that praise continues, hopefully, throughout adulthood.
Some where I stopped receiving it. I stopped expecting anything from others; and seeking that approval from myself was boastful, narcissistic, and disgusting, so I believed. If anything kind was said to me by others, I didn't believe it.
Tracy let me be that child again. She did it in a kind yet assertive way. I was allowed to be as needy of praise as possible without judgement.
I added a calendar to my life at the behest of therapist and Tracy. I was failing miserably with goal setting using it. You may know my anti-proclivity for lists. I feel like a failure if I don't accomplish everything on a list so I don't make them. The to-do thing with a calendar was killing me. One of my switches flipped in my head. I started recording in the day to day sections, what I HAD accomplished. If I woke up and brushed my teeth despite not wanting to, it went on the list. The spaces filled up faster and easier that way. Granted, I felt a little silly for writing something so mundane on the calendar but when one feels so hateful of oneself that suicide is the best option on a daily basis...praise yourself for brushing your teeth.
The treadmill sat unused for the most part for last year. I got on it sporadically, but I did accomplish something during the times I used it. I lost weight. I added running to my life. I've worn tread off of sneakers. I lost fifty pounds last year from caring a little more about myself.
Many things have happened that are far more private to discuss here. But they all led to another big decision for me. I decided to start the dating life, despite my apprehension of not feeling beautiful or perfect or whole. I jumped in. I went out. I got laid. I met interesting men. And, I've learn to be even kinder to myself because of it.
So, now I sit on the first day of 2014. I had my run today. My eighth one in nine days. I am looking forward to what more I'll accomplish this year. I don't want to die. I never did. I was just tired of my living. Now I've changed it and I have resolutions but I won't share the specifics. They're mine. I will say this: I will be kinder to myself. I will tell myself daily that I love me. I will continue to do.
Now for my good fortune for you. I say this to myself now every time I stretch after my run and just meditate on it.
I am perfect in this moment, in this body, in this Universe. All other moments led to this one moment and I am where I'm suppose to be. I am perfect in this moment.
I know how difficult it is to plan and see the future. It's overwhelming and terrifying. You become neurotic and anxious at the possibility of being hurt, whether it's not having enough money, illness, no love, whatever. Stop and examine this second. A moment in your life. You can rock the fuck out of this second. You survived the thousands of seconds before it. Made you stronger. Made you brave enough to face this exact second. A second. You can manage one second. Forget about the next year, month, week, day. This second? This moment? It's yours. And you are perfect in it! Give yourself praise for it. And until you can see the day as that one moment in your life, and the week, then the month, the year, and the rest of your entirety.....live your life at this second. You'll be perfect in it!. And ultimately you'll realize, you've always been perfect in you and will continue to be.
Live your moments with kindness.
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