Naomi dates.

This is such a weird place to be: being a mother for an 18 year old girl, facing my 41st birthday in less than one month, finding my place in Pensacola again after being away for four years (albeit, I've been back here for two now), and changing things about myself that I had settled were forever my thing.

In the midst of all this frenetic change, I decided to start dating. What the fuck was (and am) I thinking?! I've never been much of a dater. I can get into all the reasons why but then this post becomes disturbingly morose, negative, and emo. I'll spare us the monotony. I'm trying to be open to different men since I've never really had a type in the first place, but more open and willing to say yes to a man that I have some common ground and a rapport. It's an unusual feeling to go out with two or three different guys in a week. I feel oddly whorish just in talking to more than one guy.

In the past, I've approached dating with a very linear mind: talk to one guy, go out with him, blinders to any other potential, see it to the inevitable end. Dates with him may last only a couple times, once more often than not. Dating a HIM would last years and usually were intense and soul involved. Now, I'm trying to approach this quite differently. It's been more carefree and less emotional. I've a 'why not' attitude, which is not me. Considering my natural approach has done me no favors, I'm trying this new one. Still uneasy but why not?! I deserve the attention.

Now, this puts me into unhappy places occasionally. Ultimately, I want what everyone else wants. A connection with only one man for my heart's forever home. How do I be more open to dating and potentials and yet be myself, a guarded individual with a cemented definition of who I could trust completely?

I read a post I had written about personals. With a developing self-esteem, yes, I'm responding to others' profiles. I'm making the first move. I'm putting my own self out there to be viewed and commented on. Admittedly, it's thrilling and I do like the attention I am getting.

But being a fat chick (which is hard to claim being) is scary as fuck when dating. Part of me wants to wait until I've lost all the weight I've been trying to lose before jumping full-footed into the dating scene. I've had cruel things said to me since childhood (and some things haven't stopped) about my height, my weight and my looks. I'm nervous as hell having a neon arrow point directly at me saying, Pay attention to this one right here, men! Look at her! Yikes. Purposeful attention seeking. Not me at all. But if I wait until I'm physically perfect, I may never have the opportunity to date.

I consider my current stock worth at this point in my life. I'm not young. I'm a single parent. My mental health is the white elephant I have hiding around the corner waiting for its reveal. Emotionally I'm not romantic in thinking, naive in love, or absent minded in what he's bringing to the table either.

I'm overwhelmed but trying to keep it all in check...mostly.